I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
