It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
