i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
