Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
