does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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