Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
