I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize
