onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
