Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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