yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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