wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
