I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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