I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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