Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
