I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
