oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
