Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
