I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
did i just pee glitter
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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