why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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