what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
