if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
