Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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