you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the condom got lost in my hair
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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