i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
