The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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