Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
