for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
