how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
