i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
