Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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