this just has baby written all over it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
