It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
