he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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