I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
