soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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