I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I could make wine with my vomit
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
