tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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