I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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