my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
