Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why did my mother make you get naked?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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