So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
