i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
