When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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