She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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