i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
