my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
