he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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