I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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