So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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