we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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