i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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