Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
this is an emotional support booty call
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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