we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I pour the whiskey from now on
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
