i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
