Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
