I CAN MOONWALK!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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