Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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