she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
