I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm like, not good at living.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
