it was like his penis was on wheels.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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