Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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