I faked an abortion last night.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
